There’s a cause of death that’s slaying more men than women: not having enough social relationships. HDL-LDL, prostate, drink? Nope: Number of Friends.

So the hard question: wow many friends do I have? I’m actually scared to consider this. Let me avoid it for a minute.

Studies have shown that people with fewer relationships later in life tend to die younger. Man or woman. But the data also show that we guys have fewer total buddies, fewer meaningful friendships, and spend less total time socializing. So loneliness kills us more often.

All of those metrics show a decrease with time, as we get into our 30’s and onward. We lose friends, get worse as nurturing palships, and they become shallower. Women are better at keeping in touch, prioritizing phonecalls, retaining true friendships, cultivating groups, and meeting up.

Why is this? Why don’t men keep meaningful friendships? Men, like women, have different types of friends. But to dig further I’ve decided to list out the major ones and scored them for their value in keeping us alive.

The Types of Friends Men Have

The Old Friend

These are the guys you met back in school, pre-college, maybe through sports. You grew up together, suffered through similar angsts like girls, teachers, football, puberty. But maybe you’re not in the same time zone anymore. You text each other quotes from Boogie Nights, trade a few laughs. Rarely speak on the phone. Meet up once a year. But when you do, the bond is deeply rooted.

Scores:

Frequency: 4/10 (if you’re not in the same city)

Resilience over time: 10/10

Depth: 8/10 (heavy on history, lighter on current)

Volume: 3/10 (you have a few, maybe one)

Overall Value Score of Old Friend: 49.2 (out of possible 300)

The College Friend

These guys are also close, or they were. You have a lot of shared, fun experiences. But you met later, you probably endured less together. It was fun, it was fantasy camp, you like to hang out. The bond is likely a little weaker and more susceptible to erosion over time.

Frequency: 6/10 (live in different cities, but recency is higher with these guys)

Resilience: 4/10 (very easy to fall into disuse)

Depth: 5/10 (friendships formed in good times are weaker than those forged in the fires of youth)

Volume: 6/10 (you’ve got quite a few, you were social, there was a group)

Overall Value Score of College Friend: 30

The Work Buddy

You came up through the slog, you’re forced to spend 50 hours a week with this guy, and you have a built-in, shared interest and conversation topics. Then you stop working together, talking points wane. Hopefully, you’re in the same city, have a similar economic situation, which sadly, creates most of your sameness.

Frequency: 7.5/10 (this guy is a 10, then a 5 when you stop working together)

Resilience: 5/10 (average; you might have regular reasons to stay in touch, but once the context of work is removed these take a hit)

Depth: 3/10 (you toil together, that’s good. But you talk a lot about work)

Volume: 7/10 (this only grows as you age into 40)

Overall Value Score of Work Friend: 42

The Guy you met later, through kids, or wife, or the neighborhood

It’s hard for a man to make a friend later in life. And if that comes about through kids, or because you share a fence, it’s hard to make it stick. You’re old, you don’t really go through anything together, you talk about lawns or schools or kids’ hockey, you try your best to nurture but low conversion rate into actual friends.

Frequency: 8/10 (if he’s next door or has a kid on your kid’s team)

Resilience: 2/10 (should really be a 1; if someone moves away, or kids are removed, what bonds you?)

Depth: 3/10 (hard to crack; you have too much banal stuff to talk about to ever go deep)

Volume: 10/10 (these guys are everywhere; I’m one of these guys)

Overall Value Score of The Guy You Met Later: 60 (where my scoring system falls apart. This is sheer volume and, according to study data, is not what will save our lives.)

How many friends do I have?

Alright, almost as scary as asking your new girlfriend for the number of past guys she’s slept with, but here goes:

-Old friends: 2

-College friends: 3 (10, really, but…really, 3)

-Work friends: 8 (or 247 on LinkedIn)

-Guys I met later: too many to count, and about zero that have any depth or go anywhere beyond context of kids

Will I Die Earlier?

Outlook does not look good. I, apparently like most men 40+, do not have plentiful, solid, deep relationships, with whom I have regular contact.

The studies say this is bad, that I’ll develop depression, cardio problems, mental slippage, and a host of other indicators for kicking it before my time.

There’s the problem, so let’s talk solution. But that’s for next time.